i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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