remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
