Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
