WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
