how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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