Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize