i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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