my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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