My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
