Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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