What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
