my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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