Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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