so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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