Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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