Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
