I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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