Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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