Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
