Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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