shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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