Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
