That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
