We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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