pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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