Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
