The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
