three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
