if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
