he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
