the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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