just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
