you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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