This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you didnt know i had herpes?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize