I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
