My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
