So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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