I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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