just survived the first fart of the relationship.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
