I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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