1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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