don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
