Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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