I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
