Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
