He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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