I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
