I am spending my child support on dildos
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she smelled like a LAN party
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
