"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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