Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
