Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
