We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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