Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
