Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
