My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
