call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize