Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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